Madonna – Pop Star, Or Monster Under The Bed?

People, we need to slow it down for a second and talk about a serious issue. What is going on with Madonna’s arms?

Madonna's Scary Gun Show

I saw a picture of Madonna’s freak arms a few weeks ago, but someone said it was “totally Photoshopped,” so I assumed they were right, and I went on with my life. But this, the second picture of freak arms – and from TMZ, which is reasonably good about weeding out the Photoshop fakes – just stopped me in my tracks.

There are so many questions to ask. “Why?” is the first, and has the most obvious answer. Madonna is 51 years old, and makes her living in an industry that glorifies youth and vitality and beauty, so it’s natural to get fit, right? But this… this is not fit. I don’t know what this is. Kylie Minogue (who has followed loosely the same career arc/swoop as Madonna) is fit.

Kylie Minogue, Another 80s Comeback Star, Is Actually Pretty

And HOLY COW did you see Tina Turner pounding out “Proud Mary” with Beyonce at the 2008 Grammys? Tina Turner is INCREDIBLE.

Tina Turner Is Some Kind Of Superhero, I Swear

Tina Turner is fit. Madonna is… something else.

I did some research and found that Madonna published her diet in US Magazine last year. She eats 700 calories a day, and works out twice a day. If that’s not an eating disorder, I don’t know what is! Madonna is on tour now, which means she’s working harder, and probably eating less.

The irony of eating disorders is that superficially, they stem from a desire to be beautiful. And yet, the results are anything but. Is anyone going to be surprised when Madonna drops dead of a heart attack or organ failure? You heard it here first, folks!

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Get Rich Or Slash Sale Price And Try To Get Out Without Owing Too Much Money

TMZ is reporting that rapper and George W. Bush supporter 50 Cent has dropped the price on his 50,000 square foot mansion, from its original asking price of $18.5 million down to the low low price of $10.9 million. Fiddy originally purchased the mansion, situated on 17 acres in Connecticut, for $4.1 million in 2003 from Mike Tyson. The difference between his original purchase price and his current asking price is $6 million in improvements, including “a disco complete with stripper poles.”

50 Cent Mansion For Sale

The sale is sparked by 50 Cent’s frustration with the two hour commute to Long Island, where his son Marquise currently lives with his mother, 50 Cent’s ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins. But surely the man identified by Forbes as the world’s second richest rap artist in 2007 could find a better solution to this problem than trying to dump his mansion on a buyer’s market? Let’s face it; this is not the best economic climate to be trying to sell a giant mansion.

Last December 50 told an interviewer that he has been personally suffered financial problems thanks to the recession, having lost “several million dollars” on the stock market. 50 has announced that he wants to buy a smaller (that’s a relative term, “smaller”) home in New York. It sounds like, in addition to saving time on his commute, 50 Cent is trying to take the sensible step of downsizing his holdings, in order to live within his means.

Hey, you don’t get to be the world’s second richest rap star by being financially irresponsible!

Hairpocalypse 2009

Where did all the hair go? I take a personal interest in this latest rash of head shavings and close croppings, because I did the same thing myself about a month ago. Cut it all off and sent it to Locks of Love – one pound six ounces of hair!

Let’s go chronologically. First out of the gate was Cassandra Ventura, who shaved half of her head 80s style. By way of explanation she twittered, “Yeah, I did it. They ask why?? LOL B/C I WOKE UP AND FELT LIKE IT!!!”

Cassie Ventura's New Haircut

Next, MTV host La La Vasquez picked up the torch, shaving half her head and donating the snipped hair to Locks of Love. A woman after my own heart! Vasquez twittered, “Cassie started the “MOVEMENT” i did the “LA LA REMIX” will be next..? feels good to let go!! ”

La La Vasquez's New Hairstyle

On July 21st, Rihanna landed in London with a spiky/shaved 80s haircut. This doesn’t seem as drastic a departure for her – more of a natural transition from her previous bob. In fact, of all the wacky haircuts this summer, I think Rihanna’s suits her the best.

Rihanna's New Hair Style

Today, Beyonce Knowles’ younger sister Solange upped the ante with her new do. It’s as if Solange is saying, “I’ll see your 80s pop star haircuts, and raise you a Will Smith Fresh Prince fade!”

Solange Knowles' New Haircut

While researching this article, I suddenly learned that Michelle Obama has a new hairstyle, as well. I’m not sure if it technically belongs among the ranks of Rihanna’s wacky Simon Le Bon groove, since Michelle’s hair is just plain classy. But I’m including it here for the sake of completeness.

Michelle Obama's New Hairstyle

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Mischa Barton Locked Up For Her Own Good

Tons of sources are reporting that Mischa Barton has been placed under involuntary psychiatric hold, after phoning the police non-emergency line at 3PM Wednesday with “a medical problem.” A patrol officer arrived, placed her in custody, and ushered her to Cedars-Sinai. Mischa’s drug usage has been a problem for years, but how bad do things have to get, to warrant an involuntary psych hold?

You have to work pretty hard to get an involuntary psychiatric hold (California section 5150). Many of us over a certain age are familiar with the 5150 as the title of Van Halen’s 1986 album. To get placed under a 5150, you have to present a clear and present danger either to yourself or others. It’s not something they hand out lightly. Usually they just arrest you, ya know?

I went looking, and despite all the celebrities who have been arrested for all the drugs and all the presenting of clear and present dangers, I was only able to find two instances of a public figure getting a 5150. Most recently and famously, a 5150 was slapped on Britney Spears, after she went on her tattoos and head-shaving mini-rampage, then locked herself in a room with her son Jayden. A 5150 was also used to hold Matthew Wilson, a promising young college student at Rice University who went missing one day, only to turn up in Berkeley six months later with a crazy beard, using some school equipment in an empty classroom.

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Lady GaGa Is Broke (Again!)

In an interview with the highly reputable British tabloid The Sun, Lady GaGa confessed that she is “flat broke.” The real surprise? “I’ve gone bankrupt about four times now.”

LadyGaga-PokerFaceFour times! I’m not sure whether to be horrified that being one of the most famous people IN THE WORLD (for the months of May through August, 2009, and then never heard from again) doesn’t ensure some kind of financial security. Or if it cheers me up to think that Famous People are just as bad with money as the rest of us.

Now, we all understand Lady GaGa’s expensive and unique wardrobe needs. Well first of all, clearly she should be shopping at our store, because if she’s going bankrupt on her wardrobe, she’s obviously paying too much!

Second of all, okay, she goes through five dozen costume changes just in the “Poker Face” video alone, not to mention those baffling sunglasses (goggles?) that say “POP MUSIC WILL NEVER BE LOWBROW” in LEDs. And I’m sure her Great Dane rental bills are substantial. But do I have to be the one to point out that all of those clothes and gadgets should be tax deductible as a business expense?

Later this year, Lady GaGa is going out on tour with Kanye West. Let’s hope that they’ll have some free time together, so that Kanye can sit her down and dish out some solid advice. Kanye West is a public advocate of prenuptial agreements, and his famous line “Having money’s not everything. Not having money is” is like a Zen koan of financial advice.

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Don’t Forget To Remember T.I.

Before he went into prison, T.I. had the foresight to record a message from jail with Mary J. Blige, “Remember Me” which is getting heavy airplay right now. One thing I will say: Mary J. Blige has never looked or sounded so beautiful.

Having watched the video, I will say this: it works a lot better if you DON’T know that the man singing it is spending a mere two months in jail, after having served 305 of the 366 days of his sentence under house arrest. And that he’s in jail after having bought illegal guns from an undercover informant. (As a registered felon, T.I. is not allowed to possess guns, much less buy them illegally.)

T.I. kicks off the song by comparing himself to Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr. Well, it IS true that all three of them are black men who went to jail, so the comparison isn’t entirely unfair. Although Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr. went to jail because of their personal convictions, and T.I. went to jail (briefly) on a felony weapons charge. But it’s his song, and he gets to write it however he wants, right?

I can see what T.I. is going for with “Remember Me,” and for the most part he hits that mark, assuming you can put aside thoughts of his two month sentence in a low/medium security federal prison. Although I couldn’t help but laugh at the scene where T.I. waits sadly for a letter back from his mother, intercut with scenes of his mother regretfully throwing away his letter to her, unopened. *single tear*

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Anti-Paparazzi Clutch Bag: For All Your Anti-Fame Needs

Are you bothered by the paparazzi while hitting the town in your nightclub clothes (which fit you perfectly, thanks to your self-adhesive strapless bra)? Then the Anti-Paparazzi Clutch Bag is for you! Wired News reports that designer and technologist Adam Harvey has designed and applied for a patent for this paparazzi-foiling fashion accessory.


The clutch bag has a very bright automated LED flash bulb attached to the outside, which can be activated wirelessly. When the LED detects a camera flash, it flashes back, thus ruining the paparazzi’s picture. As you can see from the picture on Harvey’s web page, this is a very effective means of foiling the paparazzi – IF it’s pointing in the right direction.

This would be excellent for those times when you know the paparazzi are going to be around. Let’s say you’re heading out to the hottest night club in LA with an attractive male companion while your husband happens to be in London. Or, more prosaically, that you’re Kate Gosselin trying to dine at Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills. Just arm yourself with this clutch, make sure it’s pointed in the right direction, and voila!

Unfortunately, I can see some down sides to this new technology. For one thing, it’s sure to annoy and/or blind hapless onlookers. No one wants to take friendly fire while they’re lining up for a movie premiere. Second, I think you would want several of these clutch bags, one on each side of your body, so that it can target photographers from any angle.

Third, and I hate to point out the obvious, but what’s Jon Gosselin supposed to wear when he hits the local frat party circuit?

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